The Best British Christmas Cracker Jokes of All Time

November 22, 2017

Need some great ideas for jokes to put in homemade Christmas Crackers? Or maybe, like me, you’re home sick from work and needed a good, festive laugh. Here I’ve compiled a selection of some of my favourite, and mostly relevant jokes to brighten up the cold winter days.





Why will Christmas dinner be different after Brexit?

No Brussels!

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The Lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life!”. But John came second and received a toaster.

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Sad news at the Nestle factory as a man was crushed to death.

He tried in vain to attract attention.

But every time he yelled “The milky bars are on me!”

Everyone just cheered

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I can’t get to the chocolates in my advent calendar! Foiled again!

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I bought my wife a wooden leg for Christmas. Nothing much, just a stocking filler.

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Who hides in a bakery during Christmas?

A Mince Spy!

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I can hear music coming out of the printer in the office. I think the paper’s jammin’ again.

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Why was the UN worried when a waiter dropped his tray?

It meant the fall of Turkey, the overthrow of Greece and the ruin of China.

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Why shouldn’t you buy Russian Y fronts?

Because Chernobyl Fall Out

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Soon you won’t be able to buy advent calendars any more!

 Their days are numbered…

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I was eating German fruit loaf and my friend asked me if it was stollen, “No”, I replied. “I bought it”.

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When I opened a Christmas card I was surprised to see it full of rice. It turns out it was from my uncle Ben.

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The front doorbell just rang giving me a fright and I threw my cheese triangles up into the air …Ding dong Dairylea on high!

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How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizza?

Deep pan, crisp and even.

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What does Santa buy at the bakery?

Ho-ho-wholemeal bread!

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Thats all I’ve got for 2017, folks! Leave a comment or send me your favourites!


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  • Reply The 6 Best Alternative Advent Calendars on the Market in 2017 - Citrus and Cinnamon November 28, 2017 at 4:59 pm

    […] more related cheese Christmas jokes such as ‘Ding Dong Dairylea on High’, see our Best Christmas Cracker Jokes […]

  • Reply depaysement325 December 8, 2017 at 4:43 pm

    Hi, this is such a funny post, I love your blog! I’m just letting you know that I’ve nominated you for the Mystery Blogger Award 🙂 no worries if you don’t have time/don’t want to.
    Merry Christmas!

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